Doctor, Doctor
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.”
St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.
********************************************************************
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
“What’s that brass gong for?” asked the friend.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? How’s it work?”
“Watch this,” said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: “Hey, you jerk. It’s 3:00 in the morning”
The Blondes & The Astronauts
Two blonde women sitting in a bar over-hear a conversation between two men. They walk over to them and as they do, they hear one of the men say to the other: “I can’t wait until NASA figures out how to land on Pluto!”
Hearing this one of the blondes asks, “Are you astronauts?”
One of the gentleman replies, “Yes, yes we are”
The other blonde asks, “Oh yeah, so where have you been?”
“We’ve been to Mars, the Moon & Venus!” The second guy answers.
The girls both laugh. “What’s so funny?” Ask the men.
“Well, we’re gonna land on the Sun one day!” They explain.
“You can’t do that! You’ll melt!” The men exclaim.
“Don’t be silly! You think us blondes are dumb, don’t you?! We’re gonna go at NIGHT!”
*******************************************************************
Three things you’ll never hear a redneck say:
